A newly married woman was sitting on a chair, looking vexed, when her husband came home. "What's up? Why do you look so troubled?" the husband asked. The woman replied, "I'm so sorry. I was ironing your new suit and
burned a hole in your trousers." And the man said, "That's all right. I have another pair that is exactly the same."
"Thank God you do. I used it to mend this pair," the wife responded.
The miserly millionaire called a family conference, “ I’m placing a box of money in the attic,” he said.” When I die, I intend to grab it on my way up to heaven. See to it that no one touches it until it’s my time too go.”
The family respected his wishes. After his death, the millionaire’s wife looked in the attic. The box was still there. “ THE FOOL!” she said. ”I told him he should have put it in the basement.”
A big一city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted o be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check，the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success，telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man，but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”
The old rancher replied，"Well，I’11 tell you，young Teller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning.”
A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog cocked its leg, then urinated on its owner. Calmly, the blind man reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog. A passerby who'd seen everything remarked: "That’s extremely tolerant of you, especially after what he just did.”
"Not really，”came the re***. "I’m just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts.”
A hillbilly was visiting the big city for the first time. Entering an office building, he saw a pudgy older woman step into a small room. The doors closed, lights flashed, and after a while the door slid open and a beautiful young model stepped off the elevator.
Blinking in amazement, the hillbilly drawled, "I should have brought my wife!"
——幽默简短的英语小故事 (菁华3篇)
“allthe kid smake fun of me”the boy cried to his mother。“they say i have a big head”
“don‘t listen to them。”his mother comforted him。“you have a beautiful head。nows to crying and go to the store for ten pounds of potatoes”
“where‘s the shopping bag?”
“i haven‘t go tone，use your hat。”
【汉语翻译】
“所有的孩子都拿我开玩笑，”小男孩哭着跟妈妈说：“他们说我长了一个大脑袋。”
“别听他们的，”他妈妈安慰说：“你的`脑袋长得很漂亮。好了，别哭了，去商店买10磅土豆来。”
“购物袋在哪?”
“我没有购物袋，就用你的帽子吧。”
“allthe kid smake fun of me”the boy cried to his mother。“they say i have a big head”
“don‘t listen to them。”his mother comforted him。“you have a beautiful head。nows to crying and go to the store for ten pounds of potatoes”
“where‘s the shopping bag?”
“i haven‘t go tone，use your hat。”
【汉语翻译】
“所有的孩子都拿我开玩笑，”小男孩哭着跟妈妈说：“他们说我长了一个大脑袋。”
“别听他们的，”他妈妈安慰说：“你的脑袋长得很漂亮。好了，别哭了，去商店买10磅土豆来。”
“购物袋在哪?”
“我没有购物袋，就用你的帽子吧。”
Not long after my sisters wedding，one of my fathers colleagues and his wife dropped in to see Mom and Dad.The guests had not been invited to the wedding, so when the woman said，”Im sorry I didnt get over to the church the other day，”Mom assumed she meant the churchs Good Cheer Club Tea and Bazaar.我妹妹婚后不久，我父亲的同事夫妇俩顺便来看我父母。这两个客人没被邀请出*婚礼。所以那位女士说:“真遗憾，那天我没有去教堂。”我妈妈以为她的意思是没有来参加喝彩俱乐部所招待的茶和甩卖活动。
"Irn glad you didnt.”Mom replied.”You never saw such a mob scene!""I thought Id like to see how everyone was dressed，"the guest said."What did you wear?"我妈妈回答说:“你没有来太好了，免得你看那片乱哄哄的景色.”客人说:“我原打算看看大家穿得如何，你那天穿的是什么?’，
"Just my old navy print and my oxfords,“said Mom，"and a good thing，too，as we cleared almost a thousand dollars. "妈妈说:“就是那套老式的海军呢和我的.牛津服呗。值得一提的是，我们挣了一千多块钱。”
"Did you take a collection?"the woman gasped.“你们收了赠款了吗?”那位女士惊奇池问。
"Oh, no，“said Mom，"you know how it is，a lot of people come just to look and you dont make a thing out of them，so we decided to charge admission at the door.”“噢，没有，”妈妈说:“你知道怎么着，许多人只是来看热闹，你从他们身上是分文也得不到的，所以我们决定收门票。”
At this point Dad realized signals were crossed，and he suggested to Mom that she explain that my sisters wedding had been neither a mob scene nor a profit-making venture.说到这儿，爸爸觉得意思搞误会了。他建议妈妈解释一下，我妹妹的婚礼既不是哄乱，也没收取任何钱财。
——英语幽默小故事(10)份
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, and you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago." Bernie应邀来到他的朋友Morris家吃晚餐。在朋友家，Bernie发现，不管问他老婆什么问题，Morris总要在每句话的前面加上一些亲密的称呼，象蜜糖，我的爱人，亲爱的.，甜心等等。Bernie对Morris说，“你们夫妻俩真够亲密的，结婚这么多年了，你还叫她叫得那么亲密。”Morris低下头，小声地对Bernie说，“老实跟你说吧，三年前我忘记老婆的真名是什么了。”
Two Soldiers
Two soldiers were in camp. The first one‘s name was George, and the second one‘s name was Bill. George said, "have you got a piece of paper and an envelope, Bill?"
Bill said, "Yes, I have," and he gave them to him.
Then George said, "Now I haven‘t got a pen." Bill gave him his, and George wrote his letter. Then he put it in the envelope and said, "have you got a stamp, Bill?" Bill gave him one.
Then Bill got up and went to the door, so George said to him, "Are you going out?"
Bill Said, "Yes, I am," and he opened the door.
George said, "Please put my letter in the box in the office, and..." He stopped.
"What do you want now?" Bill said to him.
George looked at the envelope of his letter and answered, "What‘s your girl-friend‘s address?"
军营里有二名士兵，一个叫乔治，一个叫比尔。乔治问：“比尔，你有信纸、信封吗?”
比尔说：“有。”然后把信纸和信封给了乔治。
乔治又说：“我还没有笔呢。”比尔又把自己的'笔给了他。乔治开始写信。写完后把信放进信封里，又问：“比尔，你有邮票吗?”比尔给了他一张。
这时比尔站起来，向门口走去。乔治问：“你要出去吗?”
比尔说：“是的。”随即打开了门。
乔治说：“请帮我把这封信投进办公室的信箱里，还有...”他停住了。
“你还要什么?”比尔问。
乔治看着信封说：“你女朋友的地址是-?”
Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.
The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"
The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"
The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that sim*** stated, "ENTRANCE".
中间战术
三个互相争生意的商店老板在一条商业街上租用了毗邻的店铺。旁观者等着瞧好戏。
右边的零售商挂起了巨大的招牌，上书：“大减价!”“特便宜!”
左边的商店挂出了更大的招牌，声称：“大砍价!”“大折扣!”
中间的商人随后准备了一个大招牌，上面只简单地写着：“入口处”。
Very Pleased to Meet You
During World War II, a lot of young women in Britain were in the army. Joan Phillips was one of them. She worked in a big camp, and of course met a lot of men, officers and soldiers.
One evening she met Captain Humphreys at a dance. He said to her, "I‘m going abroad tomorrow, but I‘d be very happy if we could write to each other." Joan agreed, and they wrote for several months.
Then his letters stopped, but she received one from another officer, telling her that he had been wounded and was in a certain army hospital in England.
Joan went there and said to the matron, "I‘ve come to visit Captain Humphreys."
"Only relatives are allowed to visit patients here," the matron said.
"Oh, that‘s all right," answered Joan. "I‘m his sister."
"I‘m very pleased to meet you," the matron said, "I‘m his mother!"
在第二次世界大战中，有许多年轻的妇女在军营中服役。琼.飞利浦斯是其中之一。她在一个大军营中工作，当然遇到了许多男士，包括军官和士兵。
一天晚上她在舞会上遇到了军官汉弗雷斯。他对她说，“我明天就要出国，但如果我们能够相互写信，我会很高兴。”琼同意了，于是他们几个月里一直通着信。
后来，他再没有来信。她收到了另一个军官的信，告诉她，他受伤了，住在英格兰的某个部队医院里。
琼到了医院，她对护士长说，“我来看望军官汉弗雷斯。”
“这里只有亲属可以探望病人。”护士长说。
“噢，是的，”琼说，“我是他的妹妹。”
“很高兴认识你，”护士长说，“我是他的母亲。”
Two Soldiers
Two soldiers were in camp. The first one‘s name was George, and the second one‘s name was Bill. George said, "have you got a piece of paper and an envelope, Bill?"
Bill said, "Yes, I have," and he gave them to him.
Then George said, "Now I haven‘t got a pen." Bill gave him his, and George wrote his letter. Then he put it in the envelope and said, "have you got a stamp, Bill?" Bill gave him one.
Then Bill got up and went to the door, so George said to him, "Are you going out?"
Bill Said, "Yes, I am," and he opened the door.
George said, "Please put my letter in the box in the office, and..." He stopped.
"What do you want now?" Bill said to him.
George looked at the envelope of his letter and answered, "What‘s your girl-friend‘s address?"
军营里有二名士兵，一个叫乔治，一个叫比尔。乔治问：“比尔，你有信纸、信封吗?”
比尔说：“有。”然后把信纸和信封给了乔治。
乔治又说：“我还没有笔呢。”比尔又把自己的笔给了他。乔治开始写信。写完后把信放进信封里，又问：“比尔，你有邮票吗?”比尔给了他一张。
这时比尔站起来，向门口走去。乔治问：“你要出去吗?”
比尔说：“是的。”随即打开了门。
乔治说：“请帮我把这封信投进办公室的信箱里，还有...”他停住了。
“你还要什么?”比尔问。
乔治看着信封说：“你女朋友的地址是-?”
Five Months Older
The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.
But John‘s brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy‘s family name, so when he saw John‘s papers, he was surprised.
"How old are you?" he said.
"Eighteen, sir," said John.
"But your brother was eighteen, too," said the doctor. "Are you twins?"
"Oh, no, sir," said John, and his face went red. "My brother is five months older than I am."
大五个月
第二次世界大战开始了，约翰想参军，可他只有十六岁，当时规定男孩到十八岁才能入伍。所以军医给他进行体检时，他说他已经十八岁了。
可约翰的哥哥刚入伍没几天，而且也是这个军医给他做的检查。这位医生还记得他哥哥的姓。所以当他看到约翰的表格时，感到非常惊奇。
“你多大了?”军医问。
“十八，长官。”约翰说。
“可你的哥哥也是十八岁，你们是双胞胎吗?”
约翰脸红了，说：“哦，不是，长官，我哥哥比我大五个月。”
West Point
My father, brother and I visited West Point to see a football game between Army and Boston College. Taking a stroll before kickoff, we met many cadets in neatly pressed uniforms. Several visting fans asked the recruits if they would pose for photographs, "to show our son what to expect if he should attend West Point."
One middle-aged couple approached a very attractive female cadet and asked her to pose for a picture. They explained, "We want to show our son what he missed by not coming to West Point."
父亲、哥哥和我到西点军校去观看一场陆军与波士顿大学之间的橄榄球赛。开始之前，我们到处转了转，碰到许多穿着整齐制服的学员。几名游客问新兵是否愿意摆出军姿来让他们摄。“好让我们的儿子知道，如果他到西点军校来学*会得到什么。”
一对中年夫妇走*一名非常漂亮的女学员，问她是否愿意摆个姿势照相。他们解释说：“我们想让儿子知道他没来西点军校错过了什么。”
Present for Girlfriend
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Shall I engrave her name on it?" the jeweler asked.
The customer thought for a moment, and then said, "No-engrave it ‘To my one and only love‘. That way, if we ever break up, I can use it again."
送给女友的礼物
在一家珠宝店里，一位年轻人买了一个贵重的小金盒作为送给女友的礼物。“要我把她的名字刻在上面吗?”珠宝商问道。
那名顾客想了一会儿，然后说道：“不--在上面刻‘给我唯一的爱’。这样，如果我们闹崩了，我还可以再用到它。”
Be Careful What You Wish For
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband‘s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I‘d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.
慎重许愿
一对结婚25周年的夫妻在庆祝他们六十岁的生日。他们恰好在同一天出生。
庆祝活动中，一位仙女出现了。她说，由于他们是已经结婚25年的恩爱夫妻，因此她给许给这对夫妻每个人一个愿望。
妻子想周游世界。仙女招了招手。“呯!”的一声，她的手中出现了一张票。
接下来该丈夫许愿了。他犹豫片刻，害羞地说，“那我想要一位比我年轻30岁的女人。”
仙女拾起了魔术棒。“呯!”，他变成了90岁。
Wood Fire
One woman lectured her best friend on the nature of the male animal. "Husbands are like wood fires; they go out if left unattened."
"Does that mean," asked the other, "that they make ashes of themselves?"
森林之火
一名妇女向她最好的朋友大谈雄性动物的特性：“丈夫们就像是森林里的火，一不注意，他们就会燃烧起来。”
“那是不是意味着，”另一个问道，“他们将自己烧成灰烬?”
Best Reward
A naval officer fell overboard. He was rescued by a deck hand. The officer asked how he could reward him.
"The best way, sir," said the deck hand, "is to say nothing about it. If the other fellows knew I‘d pulled you out, they‘d chuck me in."
最好的`奖赏
一名海军军官从甲板上掉入海中。他被一名甲板水手救起。这位军官问如何才能酬谢他。
“最好的办法，长官，”这名水手说，“是别声张这事。如果其他人知道我救了您，他们会把我扔下去的。”
Napoleon Was Ill
Jack had gone to the university to study history, but at the end of his first year, his history professor failed him in his examinations, and he was told that he would have to leave the university. However, his father decided that he would go to see the professor to urge him to let Jack continue his studies the following year.
"He‘s a good boy," said Jack‘s father, "and if you let him pass this time, I‘m sure he‘ll improve a lot next year and pass the examinations at the end of it really well."
"No, no, that‘s quite impossible," replied the professor immediately. "Do you know, last month I asked him when Napoleon had died, he didn‘t know!"
"Please, sir, give him another chance," said Jack‘s father. "You see, I‘m afraid we don‘t take any newspaper in our house, so none of us even know that Napoleon was ill."
拿破仑病了
杰克到一所大学去学历史。第一学期结束时，历史课教授没让他及格。学校让他退学。然而，杰克的父亲决定去见教授，强烈要求让杰克继续来年的学业。
“他是个好孩子，”杰克的父亲说：“您要是让他这次及格，我相信他明年会有很大进步，学期结束时，他一定会考好的。”
“不，不，那不可能，”教授马上回答。“你知道吗?上个月我问他拿破仑什么时候死的，他都不知道。”
“先生，请再给他一次机会吧。”杰克的父亲说：“你不知道，恐怕是因为我们家没有订报纸。我们家的人连拿破仑病了都不知道。”
He Was Only Wrong by Two
Jack Hawkins was the football coach at an Amercian college, and he was always trying to find good players, but they weren‘t always smart enought to be accepted by the college.
One day the coach brought an excellent young player to the dean of the college and asked that the student be allowed to enter without an examination. "Well," the dean said after some persuasion, "I‘d better ask him a few questions first."
Then he turned to the student and asked him some very easy questions, but the student didn‘t know any of the answers.
At last the dean said, "Well, what‘s five times seven?"
The student thought for a long time and then answered, "Thirty-six."
The dean threw up his hands and looked at the coach in despair, but the coach said earnestly, "Oh, please let him in, sir! He was only wrong by two."
他的得数只比正确答案多二
杰克霍金斯是美国一所学院的橄榄球队教练，他竭力想物色好球员。但是好球员学业不行，院方不愿录取。
有一天，教练带着一位优秀的年轻球员去见院长，希望院方同意他免试入学。经过一番劝说后院长说：“那我最好先问问他几个问题。”
然后他转向学生，问了几个非常简单的问题。可是那个学生一个也答不上来。
最后院长说：“那么，五乘七得多少?”
学生想了很久，然后回答说：“三十六。”
院长摊开双手失望地看了看教练。可是教练认真地说，“噢，录取他吧，先生。他的答案只比正确答案多二。”
Real Play
When I taught the introduction-to-theater course at North Dakota State University, I required my students to attend the university theater‘s current production and write a critique. After viewing a particularly fine performance, one student wrote: "The play was so real, I thought I was actually sitting on my couch at home, watching it on television."
逼真的戏剧
我在北达科他州立大学教戏剧入门课时，要求学生们去看学校剧团当时的演出，并写一篇评论。看了一场极为精彩的演出后，一名学生写道：“这部戏剧是如此逼真，以致于我认为我自己是坐在家里的沙发上，从电视上看到的。”
A Fine Match
One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor. She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops. There she bought a mousetrap. The shopkeeper said to her, "Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse."
The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.
Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!
势均力敌
有一天某位女士看到一只老鼠在自家的厨房地板上窜过。她很害怕老鼠，所以她冲出屋子，搭上了公共汽车直奔商店。在那儿，她买了一只老鼠夹。店主告诉她：“放点奶酪在里面，很快你就会逮住那只老鼠的。”
这位女士带着鼠夹回到家里，但她没有在碗橱里找到奶酪。她不想再回到商店里去，因为已经很晚了。于是，她就从一份杂志中剪下一幅奶酪的图片放进了夹子。
令人称奇的是，这画有奶酪的图片竟然奏效了!第二天早上，这位女士下楼到厨房时，发现鼠夹里奶酪图片旁有一张画有老鼠的图片!
Gardening Gloves
For months I hinted that I needed a new wedding ring, since I had developed an allergy to gold. On my birthday, while I was gardening, my husband asked me for gift suggestions. I held my hands up and said, "Well, you‘ll notice that my hands are bare."
Later that evening I opened my present with enthusiasm. "Happy birthday," he said, as I unwrapped a new pair of gardening gloves.
园艺手套
几个月以来，我一直在向丈夫暗示我需要一枚新的结婚戒指，因为我对黄金有点过敏。生日那天，我正在干园艺活时，丈夫问我想要什么礼物。我举起双手说：“嗯，你肯定看到了，我的两手都是光光的。”
那天晚上，我满怀热情地拆开了丈夫送的礼物。“生日快乐!”他说。我打开一看：里面包着一双园艺手套。
Warning
Several weeks after our son began his freshman year at Alma College in Michigan, my husband and I decided to visit him. I was careful to call him a few days in advance to "warn" him that we would be coming. When we arrived at the dorm, however, I was taken aback by the disarray of his room. "Forgot we were coming, didn‘t you?" I teased.
"Are you kidding?" he replied, "Why else would I have bothered to clean?"
提醒
我们的儿子是密歇根州阿尔马大学的新生，开学几个星期之后，我和丈夫决定去看看他。我特意提前给他打电话，“提醒”他我们将光临。但是当我们来到宿舍时，他的房间凌乱不堪，我非常吃惊。“忘了我们要来，是吧?”我取笑他。
“开什么玩笑?“，他回答说，“要不我凭什么费神打扫?”
Ground Rules
One of my favorite teachers at Southeast Missouri State University in Cape Girardeau was known of his droll sense of humor. Explaining his ground rules to one freshman class, he said, "Now I know my lectures can often be dry and boring, so I don‘t mind if you look at your watches during class. I do, however, object to your pounding them on the desk to make sure they‘re still running."
基本原则
位于吉拉多海角的密苏里东南州立大学有一位我非常喜欢的老师，他奇特的幽默感很是出名。在对一个新生班级讲解他的基本原则时，他说：“我知道我的讲课可能经常会枯燥乏味，了无生趣，所以如果你们在上课时看表我并不介意。不过我坚决反对你们将表在课桌上猛敲看它们是不是还在走。”
A naval officer fell overboard. He was rescued by a deck hand. The officer asked how he could reward him.
"The best way, sir," said the deck hand, "is to say nothing about it. If the other fellows knew I‘d pulled you out, they‘d chuck me in."
幽默故事翻译：最好的奖赏
一名海军军官从甲板上掉入海中。他被一名甲板水手救起。这位军官问如何才能酬谢他。
“最好的办法，长官，”这名水手说，“是别声张这事。如果其他人知道我救了您，他们会把我扔下去的。”
West Point
My father, brother and I visited West Point to see a football game between Army and Boston College. Taking a stroll before kickoff, we met many cadets in neatly pressed uniforms. Several visting fans asked the recruits if they would pose for photographs, "to show our son what to expect if he should attend West Point."
One middle-aged couple approached a very attractive female cadet and asked her to pose for a picture. They explained, "We want to show our son what he missed by not coming to West Point."
.
父亲、哥哥和我到西点军校去观看一场陆军与波士顿大学之间的橄榄球赛。开始之前，我们到处转了转，碰到许多穿着整齐制服的'学员。几名游客问新兵是否愿意摆出军姿来让他们摄。“好让我们的儿子知道，如果他到西点军校来学*会得到什么。”
一对中年夫妇走*一名非常漂亮的女学员，问她是否愿意摆个姿势照相。他们解释说：“我们想让儿子知道他没来西点军校错过了什么。”
My husband，Michael，a bus driver，was passing a deserted bus stop when one of his passengers called out that a woman wanted to get on. He pulled up to the curb and opened the doors. 我丈夫，麦克是个开大巴士的。一次当他刚要开过一个无人上下车的'车站时，一位乘客喊过有位老妇人要上车。麦克把车停靠在马路边，打开了车门。
After a minute，Michael saw an elderly woman with a cane crossing the street slowly. 过了足有一分钟，麦克才见到一位老太太拄着拐杖，慢腾腾地过着马路朝车子走来。
He waited patiently as she made her way to the bus and climbed the steps. 麦克衬心地等她来到汽车旁上着台阶。While she was looking in her purse for her bus pass，he began to close the doors.”Wait a minute!”she snapped."My mother's coming.”
趁老太太打开钱包找月票的工夫，麦克欲关门，老妇人阻止道:“等一会，我妈妈还在后面呢!”
For months I hinted that I needed a new wedding ring, since I had developed an allergy to gold. On my birthday, while I was gardening, my husband asked me for gift suggestions. I held my hands up and said, "Well, you‘ll notice that my hands are bare."
Later that evening I opened my present with enthusiasm. "Happy birthday," he said, as I unwrapped a new pair of gardening gloves.
幽默故事翻译：园艺手套
几个月以来，我一直在向丈夫暗示我需要一枚新的结婚戒指，因为我对黄金有点过敏。生日那天，我正在干园艺活时，丈夫问我想要什么礼物。我举起双手说：“嗯，你肯定看到了，我的两手都是光光的。”
那天晚上，我满怀热情地拆开了丈夫送的礼物。“生日快乐!”他说。我打开一看：里面包着一双园艺手套。
Five Months Older
The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.
But John‘s brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy‘s family name, so when he saw John‘s papers, he was surprised.
"How old are you?" he said.
"Eighteen, sir," said John.
"But your brother was eighteen, too," said the doctor. "Are you twins?"
"Oh, no, sir," said John, and his face went red. "My brother is five months older than I am."
大五个月
第二次世界大战开始了，约翰想参军，可他只有十六岁，当时规定男孩到十八岁才能入伍。所以军医给他进行体检时，他说他已经十八岁了。
可约翰的哥哥刚入伍没几天，而且也是这个军医给他做的`检查。这位医生还记得他哥哥的姓。所以当他看到约翰的表格时，感到非常惊奇。
“你多大了?”军医问。
“十八，长官。”约翰说。
“可你的哥哥也是十八岁，你们是双胞胎吗?”
约翰脸红了，说：“哦，不是，长官，我哥哥比我大五个月。”
One of my favorite teachers at Southeast Missouri State University in Cape Girardeau was known of his droll sense of humor. Explaining his ground rules to one freshman class, he said, "Now I know my lectures can often be dry and boring, so I don‘t mind if you look at your watches during class. I do, however, object to your pounding them on the desk to make sure they‘re still running."
幽默故事翻译：基本原则
位于吉拉多海角的密苏里东南州立大学有一位我非常喜欢的老师，他奇特的幽默感很是出名。在对一个新生班级讲解他的基本原则时，他说：“我知道我的讲课可能经常会枯燥乏味，了无生趣，所以如果你们在上课时看表我并不介意。不过我坚决反对你们将表在课桌上猛敲看它们是不是还在走。”
Jack Hawkins was the football coach at an Amercian college, and he was always trying to find good players, but they weren‘t always smart enought to be accepted by the college.
One day the coach brought an excellent young player to the dean of the college and asked that the student be allowed to enter without an examination. "Well," the dean said after some persuasion, "I‘d better ask him a few questions first."
Then he turned to the student and asked him some very easy questions, but the student didn‘t know any of the answers.
At last the dean said, "Well, what‘s five times seven?"
The student thought for a long time and then answered, "Thirty-six."
The dean threw up his hands and looked at the coach in despair, but the coach said earnestly, "Oh, please let him in, sir! He was only wrong by two."
幽默故事翻译：他的得数只比正确答案多二
杰克霍金斯是美国一所学院的橄榄球队教练，他竭力想物色好球员。但是好球员学业不行，院方不愿录取。
有一天，教练带着一位优秀的年轻球员去见院长，希望院方同意他免试入学。经过一番劝说后院长说：“那我最好先问问他几个问题。”
然后他转向学生，问了几个非常简单的问题。可是那个学生一个也答不上来。
最后院长说：“那么，五乘七得多少?”
学生想了很久，然后回答说：“三十六。”
院长摊开双手失望地看了看教练。可是教练认真地说，“噢，录取他吧，先生。他的答案只比正确答案多二。”
——简短的幼儿英语小故事优选【5】份
An old woman had a cat。 The cat was very old； she could not run quickly， and she could not bite， because she was so old。 One day the old cat saw a mouse； she jumped and caught the mouse。 But she could not bite it； so the mouse got out of her mouth and ran away， because the cat could not bite it。
Then the old woman became very angry because the cat had not killed the mouse。 She began to hit the cat。 The cat said， "Do not hit your old servant。 I have worked for you for many years， and I would work for you still， but I am too old。 Do not be unkind to the old， but remember what good work the old did when they were young。"
As long as fill the stomach, the animals are not afraid of anything. Eat a meal, can make them warm. Subcutaneous fat fat, is the warm down jacket. Even if the cold can penetrate fur and feathers, also absolutely can't get through the thick layer of fat under the skin.
If food is abundant, the winter is absolutely can't be afraid. But, where is the winter food? Where to find?
The Wolf and fox in the woods shot to shot, but very quiet in the woods, some animals and birds, had to shelter for the winter, others fly to other places.
During the day, only a crow flying in the woods; Night, the sable 暤 (hao) kept flying in the air, they are trying to look for food. But couldn't find anything!
The day of the forest can't! Hungry! Hungry as hell!
Mr Watt tip: tells the story of children, in the winter, the animals lack of food, can only rely on their thick fur and the accumulation of body fat to resist the cold winter, they are so hungry!
There are all kinds of animals in the sea. Look! They are coming. This is an octopus. The octopus is spraying ink. This is a shark. The shark has sharp teeth. This is a whale. The whale shoots water into the air. This is a sea turtle. The sea turtle has a hard shell. These are starfishes. The starfishes have five legs.
These are angelfishes. The angelfishes have beautiful colors. This is a lobster. The lobster has strong claws. This is a jellyfish. The jellyfish has a soft body. They are different. But all of them live in the sea.
在海洋里有各种各样的动物。 看！他们过来了。 这时一条章鱼，章鱼在喷墨。 这是一条鲨鱼，鲨鱼有锐利的牙齿。 这是一只鲸鱼，鲸把水喷射到空中。 这时一直海龟，海龟有坚硬的壳。 这些是海星，海星有五条腿。 这些是扁蛟鱼，扁姣鱼有美丽的花纹。
这是一只龙虾，龙虾有强壮的爪子。 这是一个水母，水母有一个柔软的身体。 他们各不相同，但他们都居住在海洋里。
Myra told Myron that they shouldn’t see each other for a while. Her doctor had suggested that she take a short vacation from her job and a long vacation from Myron.
"What did you tell him about me?" Myron asked.
She told her doctor that she had dreams about Myron leaving her. She sometimes dreamed that he pushed her out of his car in the middle of nowhere. She would be crying on the side of the road in the middle of the night, cold and scared, as the taillights disappeared.
"What kind of dream is that?" Myron's voice was loud. “Do you think I would ever do that to you?" She said that she didn’t know.
"You don’t know?! Of course I wouldn’t do that to you! I love you!"
Myra asked Myron to lower his voice. She no longer believed that he loved her. One day, feeling low and insecure, she had told Myron that it would be nice to get away for the weekend. Perhaps they could go to a quiet resort in the mountains. He told her that he was playing golf that Saturday. Maybe they could go to a resort another time. She was astounded.
"I needed you that weekend. Instead, you preferred to play golf. Now there is a shadow on my heart that nothing can remove," she told him sadly.
The Butterfly arrived at the place filled with apple tree flowers. "Tomorrow, the apple tree flower will fade along with the wind even if she is blooming today." The apple tree flower wasn't good enough to be the butterfly's bride, either.
后来，蝴蝶飞到苹果树花下。“虽然她今天花开的很鲜艳，但是了明天大风一来她就会随风凋落的，”苹果树花也不过完美成为蝴蝶的新娘。
There was a pea flower. "Wow, she is very splendid!" Pea flowers were in elegant bloom with red and white colors. The Butterfly liked the pea flower because she was neither too lonely nor too dazzling.
他又发现了一颗豌豆花。“哇，她真好看！”红白相间的豌豆花优雅地盛开着。蝴蝶喜欢豌豆花，因为她既不是太孤单，也不是太耀眼。
"Hi, Miss Pea flower?" Butterfly flew closer to her to ask to be his bride. Then, he caught sight of a messy flower hanging on a leaf with a withered bean chaff. He ran away in a hurry after seeing that.
“嗨，豌豆花小姐？”蝴蝶飞*了想要让她做自己的新娘。然后，一片杂乱的已经枯萎、结豆了的豌豆花映入他的眼帘。看到这幅情景他匆忙飞走了。
In this way, spring and summer passed. But the butterfly still could not find his bride. Autumn came. One day Butterfly smelled a strong scent while he was flying. There was a peppermint in the field.
就这样，春天和夏天都过去了。但蝴蝶还是没有找到他的新娘。秋天很快到来了。有一天，当他在悠闲地飞舞时时，闻到了一股浓烈的香味。原来田间种着薄荷。
"That's great. Even though peppermint does not have any flowers, her leaves have a very strong scent. Peppermint's leaves are the same as flowers. I will make her my bride." Butterfly flew next to the peppermint and asked, "Miss Peppermint, would you please be my bride?"
“太好了。虽然薄荷没有花叶，但她气味芳香。薄荷的叶子就像花儿一样漂亮。我要让她做我的新娘。”蝴蝶飞到薄荷旁边问，“薄荷小姐，你愿意做我的新娘吗？”
Then the peppermint said, "Mr. Butterfly, it is autumn now. You and I are too old. Don't tell me about 'being your bride' any more." In the end, Butterfly could not find any bride.
薄荷回答：“蝴蝶先生，现在已经是秋天了。你和我都太老了。不要再跟我提“做你新娘”之类的话了。”就这样到了最后，蝴蝶也没找到自己的新娘。
——晨会简短幽默小故事6篇
曾经有个小国到*来，进贡了三个一模一样的金人，把皇帝高兴坏了。可是这小国不厚道，同时出一道题目：这三个金人哪个最有价值? 皇帝想了许多的办法，请来珠宝匠检查，称重量，看做工，都是一模一样的。怎么办?使者还等着回去汇报呢。泱泱大国，不会连这个小事都不懂吧?
最后，有一位退位的老大臣说他有办法。 皇帝将使者请到大殿，老臣胸有成足地拿着三根稻草，插入第一个金人的耳朵里，这稻草从另一边耳朵出来了。第二个金人的稻草从嘴巴里直接掉出来，而第三个金人，稻草进去后掉进了肚子，什么响动也没有。老臣说：第三个金人最有价值!使者默默无语，答案正确。
一个人在高山之巅的鹰巢里，抓到了一只幼鹰，他把幼鹰带回家，养在鸡笼里。这只幼鹰和鸡一起啄食、嬉闹和休息。它以为自己是一只鸡。
这只鹰渐渐长大，羽翼丰满了，主人想把它训练成猎鹰，可是由于终日和鸡混在一起，它已经变得和鸡完全一样，根本没有飞的愿望了。
主人试了各种办法，都毫无效果，最后把它带到山顶上，一把将它扔了出去。这只鹰像块石头似的，直掉下去，慌乱之中它拼命地扑打翅膀，就这样，它终于飞了起来!
磨练召唤成功的力量。
老和尚问小和尚：“如果你前进一步是死，后退一步则亡，你该怎么办”?小和尚毫不犹豫地说：“我往旁边去”。
天无绝人之路，人生路上遭遇进退两难的境况时，换个角度思考，也许就会明白：路的旁边还是路。
在一场激烈的战斗中，上尉忽然发现一架敌机向阵地俯冲下来。照常理，发现敌机俯冲时要毫不犹豫地卧倒。可上尉并没有立刻卧倒，他发现离他四五米远处有一个小战士还站在哪儿。他顾不上多想，一个鱼跃飞身将小战士紧紧地压在了身下。此时一声巨响，飞溅起来的泥土纷纷落在他们的身上。上尉拍拍身上的尘土，回头一看，顿时惊呆了：刚才自己所处的那个位置被炸成了一个大坑。
在帮助别人的同时也帮助了自己!
有一次，一个推销员在纽约街头推销气球。生意稍差时，他就会放出一个气球。当气球在空中飘浮时，就有一群新顾客聚拢过来，这时他的生意又会好一阵子。他每次放的气球都变换颜色，起初是白的，然后是红的，接着是黄的。
过了一会儿，一个黑人小男孩拉了一下创的衣袖，望着他，并问了一个有趣的问题：“先生，如果你放的是黑色气球，会不会上升?”气球推销员看了一下这个小孩，就以一种同情，智慧和理解的口吻说：“孩子，那是气球内所装的东西使它们上升的。”
恭喜这个孩子，他碰到了一位肯给他的人生指引方向的推销员。“气球内所装的东西使它们上升”同样，也是我们内在的东西使我们进步，关键在于你自己，你有权决定你的命运!
古时候，有两个兄弟各自带着一只行李箱出远门。一路上，重重的行李箱将兄弟俩都压得 喘不过气来。他们只好左手累了换右手，右手累了又换左手。忽然，大哥停了下来，在路边买了一根扁担，将两个行李箱一左一右挂在扁担上。他挑起两个箱子上路，反倒觉得轻松了很多。
在我们人生的大道上，肯定会遇到许许多多的困难。但我们是不是都知道，在前进的道路上，搬开别人脚下的绊脚石，有时恰恰是为自己铺路?
——幽默有趣的睡前小故事优选【10】份
有月亮的晚上，小鼹鼠翘翘穿着亚麻花边的裙子，钻出土洞散步。月光照在她身上，裙子像镀了一层银色的光，漂亮极了。
小刺猬看到她，眨眨眼，说：“你的裙子真难看!”
“我……”翘翘的脸红了，她真想躲回家。
“翘翘，别听他的，你的裙子很漂亮。”小兔轻轻地走来，赞美着。
“明明就是很难看!”
“是你爱嫉妒，那裙子不知多么漂亮呢!”小兔说中了小刺猬的.心事。
“哼，不理你。”小刺猬觉得没趣儿，缩成一团，滚进草丛里。
过了一会儿，小兔和翘翘在草丛里跳起了舞，翘翘转呀转，裙子随风摆动，就像开了一朵花。
听到一阵阵欢笑声，小刺猬忍不住探出头来，他想和她们一起玩——
“能带我跳吗?”小刺猬走了过来。
过了一会儿，翘翘要回家了。小刺猬走过来，很小声地说：“翘翘，对不起。我不应该嫉妒你。”
“没关系。”翘翘微笑着，她早就原谅小刺猬了。
小刺猬暗下决心，一定要改掉爱嫉妒的坏毛病。
这时，翘翘却在想：我要给小刺猬和小兔子每人做一件亚麻的风衣，他们穿上，一定很漂亮。
有一次，我刚走过一座小桥，看见头上飘过来一片云朵，说来真奇怪，它在我头上停住了，还慢慢飘落下来，更奇怪的是，居然从上面跳下一个又一个可爱、有趣的小矮人，我数了数，正好有七个。
这几个小矮人看见我，声对我说：“小朋友，你很无聊吧？要不我们跟你一起玩游戏吧！”我高兴地说：“太好了！这里离公园很*，我们去公园玩吧！”我兴奋地带着几个小矮人往公园走去，我们先玩了滑滑梯，后来玩了跷跷板，玩跷跷板可有意思了！几个小矮人争先恐后想跟我玩，我让小矮人按顺序来跟我玩，一个小矮人坐在一头，我坐在另一头，我轻而易举地就把小矮人给跷得老高，可小矮人使出吃奶的劲都没把我跷起来，有一个小矮人说：“我们俩一起坐。”可他俩还是无法把我跷起来，又一个小矮人坐上去了，再一个小矮人也上去了，这下终于把我给跷了起来，我开心得手舞足蹈。
时间过得可真快，七个小矮人要回家了，我真舍不得他们，真希望他们天天陪我玩。
小花猫今天真漂亮，脖子戴上了一个小铃铛。走起路来，铃铛就会“丁零丁零”响。
小花狗看见了，说：“哟，小铃铛圆溜溜，多好玩！给我戴一下好吗？”
小花猫说：“不行，不行，会让你弄脏的。”
小白兔看见了，说：“瞧，小铃铛亮晶晶，多好看！给我戴一下好吗？”
小花猫说：“不行，不行，会让你弄坏的。”
小山羊看见了，说：“小铃铛丁零响，多好听！给我戴一下好吗？”
小花猫说：“不行，不行，会让你弄丢的。”
小花猫蹦蹦跳跳，走到河边，往水里照照自己的.影子，嗨，多漂亮的小铃铛，圆溜溜，亮晶晶，还会“丁零丁零”响呢！它伸长脖子，想照照清楚，没想到脚下一滑，扑通一下，掉到河里去了。
小花狗正在河边玩，看见小花猫掉到河里去了，连忙去拉它。
“嗨哟——”哎呀！小花狗拉不动小花猫。
小白兔和小山羊看见了，连忙跑过来忙。
“嗨哟！“嗨哟！嗨”一起拉才把小花猫拉上按。
小花猫多难为情呀，它低下头，拿下脖子上的小铃铛，说：“你们也戴戴小铃铛吧！”
在动物的世界里，兔子家族不是很富有，但是有着一块大山坡，而狐狸家族确是一个贵族。他们住得很*，是一对邻居。
一天，狐狸爸爸给小狐狸买了一辆滑板车，小狐狸可高兴了，骑着滑板车到处跑。正巧，小兔子正在门前的山坡上发呆。它看见了小狐狸的滑板车，心里羡慕极了，就走上前问小狐狸：“你的滑板车看起来好玩极了，能借我玩玩吗？”小狐狸听了小兔子的话，心花弄放，正准备借给小兔子玩，但它突然眼珠子一转，心想：我不借给小兔子玩，就会有更多的人羡慕我，那样的感觉一定更好。嗯，我就不借给它玩。
于是，它就对小兔子说：“不借，我自己还没玩够呢！”小兔子只好垂头丧气地走了。
很多天过去了，小兔子在山坡上种了许多美丽的花，引来了大群的蝴蝶，翩翩飞舞，漂亮极了。
这时，小狐狸走了过来，用羡慕的.语气问小兔子：“你能送我几多花吗？”
小兔子爽快地答应了，它挑了几朵最漂亮的花送给了小狐狸。小狐狸没想到小兔子不计以前它不愿借给它滑板车的事，反而还把花送给它，它惭愧极了。
小狐狸的脸刷地一下红了，低下头对小兔子说：“当时我真不该不把我的滑板车不借给你玩，而你却毫不在意，还送给我最漂亮的花，我真不知道该如何感谢你。”说着头低得更低了。
小兔子拉起小狐狸的手，说：“没关系，忘记以前的不快，我们还是好朋友。”
小狐狸听了小兔子的话，热泪夺眶而出，紧紧地抱住了小兔子。
从此，小兔子和小狐狸成了形影不离的好朋友，度过一个个美好的日子，它们之间再也没有发生不快的事情。
小刺猬跟着妈妈来到果园里采果子，可是小刺猬总是认不清楚果树，经常采集苹果爷爷的果子，然后对橘子爷爷说：“谢谢您的果实。”这让苹果爷爷很生气。
小刺猬采完橘子树上的橘子后，又对着桃子树爷爷说：“谢谢您的橘子!” 桃子树爷爷说：“错、错、橘子不是我的果实。”
橘子爷爷生气的在一旁吼道：“橘子是我的.果实，你这只糊涂的小刺猬。”
小刺猬有些伤心，它摘些桃子就回家，没有感谢任何树爷爷，因为它怕自己会认错，惹树爷爷们不高兴。
可是小刺猬的这种举动让桃子树爷爷非常伤心，桃子树爷爷把最好的果实给小刺猬，但是小刺猬连句谢谢都没有就走。
回到家后，小刺猬哭起来，刺猬妈妈对小刺猬说：“为什么有的树上结满桃子，有的树上结满苹果呢?”
小刺猬说：“因为它们是不同的果树。”
刺猬妈妈又说：“不同的果树会结出不同的果子，你只要看着哪棵树上有什么样子的果实，那就是什么树。”
小刺猬明白妈妈说的话，现在它再也不会认错果树爷爷们。
有一次，我刚走过一座小桥，看见头上飘过来一片云朵，说来真奇怪，它在我头上停住了，还慢慢飘落下来，更奇怪的是，居然从上面跳下一个又一个可爱、有趣的小矮人，我数了数，正好有七个。
这几个小矮人看见我，声对我说：“小朋友，你很无聊吧？要不我们跟你一起玩游戏吧！”我高兴地说：“太好了！这里离公园很*，我们去公园玩吧！”我兴奋地带着几个小矮人往公园走去，我们先玩了滑滑梯，后来玩了跷跷板，玩跷跷板可有意思了！几个小矮人争先恐后想跟我玩，我让小矮人按顺序来跟我玩，一个小矮人坐在一头，我坐在另一头，我轻而易举地就把小矮人给跷得老高，可小矮人使出吃奶的.劲都没把我跷起来，有一个小矮人说：“我们俩一起坐。”可他俩还是无法把我跷起来，又一个小矮人坐上去了，再一个小矮人也上去了，这下终于把我给跷了起来，我开心得手舞足蹈。
时间过得可真快，七个小矮人要回家了，我真舍不得他们，真希望他们天天陪我玩。
小花猫今天真漂亮，脖子戴上了一个小铃铛。走起路来，铃铛就会“丁零丁零”响。
小花狗看见了，说：“哟，小铃铛圆溜溜，多好玩！给我戴一下好吗？”
小花猫说：“不行，不行，会让你弄脏的。”
小白兔看见了，说：“瞧，小铃铛亮晶晶，多好看！给我戴一下好吗？”
小花猫说：“不行，不行，会让你弄坏的。”
小山羊看见了，说：“小铃铛丁零响，多好听！给我戴一下好吗？”
小花猫说：“不行，不行，会让你弄丢的。”
小花猫蹦蹦跳跳，走到河边，往水里照照自己的影子，嗨，多漂亮的小铃铛，圆溜溜，亮晶晶，还会“丁零丁零”响呢！它伸长脖子，想照照清楚，没想到脚下一滑，扑通一下，掉到河里去了。
小花狗正在河边玩，看见小花猫掉到河里去了，连忙去拉它。
“嗨哟——”哎呀！小花狗拉不动小花猫。
小白兔和小山羊看见了，连忙跑过来忙。
“嗨哟！“嗨哟！嗨—”家一起拉才把小花猫拉上按。
小花猫多难为情呀，它低下头，拿下脖子上的小铃铛，说：“你们也戴戴小铃铛吧！”
山脚下有一条小河，山坡上是狐狸的西瓜园。好长时间，天不下雨，挑水浇瓜的活很累，狐狸去请这个又叫那个，可谁也不愿到他那里干活。
后来，狐狸在山脚下建成起了游乐园。游乐园里有跷跷板、高空缆车、音乐转盘……
高空缆车像架水车，黑猩猩第一个爬上去，他在上面一跑，大轮子就转起来了。小猴一见挺好玩的，纵身一跃便蹿上去，追着大猩猩跑呀跑，大轮子飞快地转呀转。
熊猫哥俩一上一下高兴地玩起了跷跷板。
梅花鹿、小白兔、小棕熊……一群小伙伴围上音乐转盘，有的推，有的拉，一推一拉大转盘就转起来，还放出好听的音乐。
山坡上，狐狸却忙着浇西瓜。
“不是谁都不愿意干活吗?这水——”小白兔眨眨红眼睛，想不通。
狐狸说：“只有傻瓜才去河里挑水哩!”
那么，是谁替狐狸运来水呢?
原来，游尔园里的高空缆车、音乐转盘都成了狐狸的'水车，跷跷板也变成了他的提水机。
“哗啦啦”，河水伴随着伙伴们欢快的笑声悄悄地从地下管道流进了狐狸的瓜园里。
有月亮的晚上，小鼹鼠翘翘穿着亚麻花边的裙子，钻出土洞散步。月光照在她身上，裙子像镀了一层银色的光，漂亮极了。
小刺猬看到她，眨眨眼，说：“你的`裙子真难看!”
“我……”翘翘的脸红了，她真想躲回家。
“翘翘，别听他的，你的裙子很漂亮。”小兔轻轻地走来，赞美着。
“明明就是很难看!”
“是你爱嫉妒，那裙子不知多么漂亮呢!”小兔说中了小刺猬的心事。
“哼，不理你。”小刺猬觉得没趣儿，缩成一团，滚进草丛里。
过了一会儿，小兔和翘翘在草丛里跳起了舞，翘翘转呀转，裙子随风摆动，就像开了一朵花。
听到一阵阵欢笑声，小刺猬忍不住探出头来，他想和她们一起玩——
“能带我跳吗?”小刺猬走了过来。
过了一会儿，翘翘要回家了。小刺猬走过来，很小声地说：“翘翘，对不起。我不应该嫉妒你。”
“没关系。”翘翘微笑着，她早就原谅小刺猬了。
小刺猬暗下决心，一定要改掉爱嫉妒的坏毛病。
这时，翘翘却在想：我要给小刺猬和小兔子每人做一件亚麻的风衣，他们穿上，一定很漂亮。
今天，花花世界在举行三年一次的花儿比美大赛。花儿广场上好热闹，走，瞧瞧去。
舞台上走过来一位十分美丽的花姐，呀!她不是上一届的冠军牡丹小姐吗?不过她这次来不是参加比赛的`，而是担任这次比赛的评委。
比赛开始了。
首先上场的是淳朴的马蹄莲。它缓缓走向舞台中央，说道：‘‘我象征着吉祥如意，可是我在人间却受到了冷落，但我却祝福人们，快乐吉祥，安安康康。’’随后马蹄莲小姐便为在场的观众献上了自己编织的舞蹈，舞姿柔美，步态婀娜，台下顿时掌声热烈经久不息。
马蹄莲刚下台，调皮的吊兰便荡着秋千上来了。它头上戴着黄色的小花，穿着漂亮的连衣裙，它边荡秋千边说：“想和我一样快乐吗，请来找我吧。”说完她拿起了话筒，秋千上飘来悦耳的歌声。“让我们荡起双桨，小船儿推开波浪~~~”。
一曲歌罢，舞台上飘起片片雪花，一只白梅树傲然立雪，只见她迎着风冒着雪，抵御着冰寒，枝头缓缓开出一只雪白的梅花，一朵，又一朵，瞬间，树枝上满是雪白，已分不清是雪花还是白梅。突然迎面扑鼻一阵暗香，伴随着白梅低吟“遥知不是雪，为有暗香来”。
……
——幽默人生哲理小故事范本5份
刘杰大学毕业后，进了交通局，在西关岗街当队长。
西关街街长1500米，双向四车道，中间被铁栅栏分开。街的尽头是六个万人大厂，每天上下班的时候，三四万职工一齐挤到街的一侧，人山人海，浩浩荡荡。几年来，这条路每天都得堵上几个小时。交警队一直想扩路，可苦于没有资金，一直拖到现在，成了局里的头号难题。
刘杰上了十天班后，拿着一份西关街街况报告找到警队的王局长。
王局长接过报告，问：“想改善西关街的交通，你有什么想法?”
刘杰伸出三根手指，对着王局长一晃，说道：“给我三万，我保证在一个月之内把西关街变成双向六车道!”
王局长顿时来了兴趣，忙问他具体方案，可问了半天，刘杰就是不讲，只是一个劲地说：“请领导相信我。”
王局长没办法，大笔一挥，给刘杰批了三万，说：“这个月我要到省里开会，希望我回来的时候，路况能有所改善!”刘杰拿着批款，连连点头。
怎么可能?王局长开完会，立即坐车赶回天水市，一看究竟。
当他来到西关街的时候，正赶上工人们上班，西关街上的工人比以前还多，可似乎不那么挤了。
王局长定睛一看，原来那排三里长的铁栅栏底下都装上了铁轱辘，上班的时候就往这边推过来一个车道，原来是这样的.“双向六车道”啊。
指挥交通的刘杰也看到了王局长，他一路小跑，过来“啪”地给王局长敬了个礼：“请局长检查工作!”
王局长拍了拍刘杰的肩膀，叹了口气，说：“十年了，这么简单的办法我怎么就没想到呢，总说要扩道，其实最应该扩的就是我们的思想啊!”
公司里的一位男同事，人到中年了，很有几分中年男人的特有的那种魅力。他的职位较高，公司配有专车，自然年薪也是不菲的。这样的男人，很受年轻女孩青睐，一来二去的，他就外遇了，女方是客户公司的.，很是年轻妩媚。
那一段时间，他很是春风得意，行事也不是很隐秘，估计并不担心家中黄脸婆发现，或是就算被发现了，那后果他也承担得起，大不了就是离婚嘛，他的小情人正盼着转正呢。
但是很快，他就萎靡不振了。原来他家黄脸婆发现他外遇后，没有吵也没有闹，而是对他说了这么一句话：“谢谢你有了外遇。”
他在愕然之余不免心中失落。原本做好了战斗的准备，可是对方不战而降，他心里真是说不出什么滋味了。不知道是不是错觉，好像被抛弃的是他，而不是妻子。
而很快，他明白了妻子“谢谢”那两个字的含义。在他和小情人春风N度的时候，他的妻子已经把家里的财产全部清理掌握到了手上，顺便掌握了他外遇的证据，然后毋庸置疑地要求他净身出户。房子、车子、票子、儿子，他什么子都没有，不签字也可以，那就等法院传票。
他简直不敢相信妻子竟然会这样对他。那个什么都为了他着想的女人，那个把他当成天的女人，不是应该哭着求他回到她的身边吗?怎么会这样干脆利落地和他一刀两断?
而那个女人这样回答他：“我是你的结发妻子，我们相濡以沫十几年，我是你做什么事都无条件支持你的女人，也是你一无所有时就陪在你身边的女人。天冷了，我给你暖被窝，天热了，我给你做降暑汤。你父母生病，我煲汤陪侍没有半句怨言，你身体的一丁点不适我都放在心上。我珍惜这份感情如同珍惜我自己的身体，可是你回报我的是什么?对于一个不懂得珍惜，糟蹋了我感情的男人，我不会留恋，更不会挽留。”
她是真的谢谢他，谢谢他以自己的外遇给了她理直气壮分割家产的权利;谢谢他以自己的外遇割断了她对他的幻想，从此不必再为这个男人的谎言和游移夜夜失眠;谢谢他以自己的外遇将她从劳心劳力的家务琐事中**出来。
一只小壁虎被蛇咬住了尾巴，它拼命地挣扎，尾巴断了，小壁虎得以逃命。
一位农夫见了，对小壁虎说：“你这可怜的小东西，刚断了尾巴，是不是很痛啊!”
小壁虎含泪点了点头。
“来，我给你包扎上，这草药是止痛的。”农夫拿出一包草药说。
“不，我很感谢这疼痛，因为是痛让我知道自己还活着，而且，你包扎了我的伤口，它怎么能长出新的.尾巴来呢?”说完，小壁虎带着钻心的疼痛爬走了。
【大道理】痛苦带给人们的不一定是负面效应，有时痛苦也孕育着希望，能感觉到痛苦，就说明还有知觉，还有活下去的希望，这个时候，能够痛苦岂不是一件很令人开心的事情?
有一位表演大师上场前，他的弟子告诉他鞋带松了。大师点头致谢，蹲下来仔细系好。等到弟子转身后，又蹲下来将鞋带解松。有个旁观者不解地问：大师，您为什么又要将鞋带解松呢?大师回答道：因为我饰演的是一位劳累的旅行者，长途跋涉让他的鞋带松开了。那你为什么不直接告诉你的弟子呢?他能细心地发现我的鞋带松了，并且热心地告诉我，我一定要保护他这种热情的积极性，及时地给他鼓励。至于为什么要将鞋带解开，将来会有更多的机会教他表演，可以下一次再说啊。
一个人去买鹦鹉，看到一只鹦鹉前标：此鹦鹉会两门语言，售价200元一只。另一只鹦鹉前标道：此鹦鹉会四门语言，售价400元。该买哪只呢?两只都毛色光鲜，非常灵活可爱。这人转啊转，拿不定主意。结果突然发现一只老掉了牙的鹦鹉，毛色暗淡散乱，标价800元。这人赶紧将老板叫来：这只鹦鹉是不是会说八门语言?店主说：不。这人奇怪了：那为什么又老又丑，又没有能力，会值这个数呢?店主回答：因为另外两只鹦鹉都叫这只鹦鹉老板。
曾经有个人小国的人到中国来，进贡了三个一模一样的金人，把皇帝高兴坏了。可是这小国的人同时出了一个题目：这三个金人哪个最有价值?皇帝请来了珠宝匠检查，称重量，看做工，都是一模一样的。泱泱大国，不会被这点小问题难倒吧?最后，有位退休的老大臣说他有办法。皇帝将使者请到大殿，老臣拿着三根稻草，插入第一个金人的耳朵里，这稻草从另一个耳朵出来了。第二个金人的'稻草从嘴里直接掉出来了，而第三个金人，稻草进去后掉进了肚子里，什么响动也没有了。老臣说：第三个金人最有价值!使者默默无语，答案正确。
有三个人要被关进监狱3年，监狱长满足他们每人一个要求，美国人爱抽雪茄，要了三箱雪茄，法国人最浪漫，要一个美丽的女子相伴，而犹太人说，他要一部与外界沟通的电话。3年后，第一个冲出来的是美国人，嘴里鼻孔里塞满了雪茄，大喊：给我火，给我火!原来他忘了要火。接着出来的是法国人，已经孩子成群。最后出来的是犹太人，他紧紧握住监狱长的手说：这3年来我每天与外界联系，我的生意不但没有停顿，反而增长了200%，为表感谢，我送你一辆劳斯来斯!
有个秀才第三次进京赶考，住在一个常住的店里，考试前两天他做了3个梦，第一个梦到自己在墙上种白菜，第二个梦是下雨天，他戴了斗笠还打伞，第三个梦是梦到跟心爱的表妹脱光了衣服躺在一起，但是背靠着背。这3个梦似乎有些深意，秀才第二天找算命的解梦。算命的一听，连拍大腿说：你还是回家把。你想想，高墙上种白菜不是白费劲吗?戴斗笠还打雨伞不是多此一举吗?跟表妹都脱光了躺在一起，却背靠背，不是没戏吗?秀才一听，心灰意冷，回店收拾包袱准备回家。店主觉得奇怪，询问之下秀才道知原委，店老板一听乐了：我也会解梦啊，我倒觉得，你这次一定要留下，你想想，墙上种菜不是高种(中)吗?戴斗笠打伞不是说明你这次有备无患吗?跟你表妹脱光了背靠背躺在床上，说明你翻身的时候就要到了。秀才一听，更有道理，于是精神振奋地参加了考试，居然中了个探花。
动物园里的小骆驼问妈妈：妈妈，为什么我们的睫毛那么长?骆驼妈妈说：长长的睫毛可以遮挡风沙，让我们在风暴中都能够看得到方向。小骆驼又问：为什么我们的背那么驼，丑死了!骆驼妈妈说：这个叫驼峰，可以储存大量的水和养分，让我们能在沙漠里耐受十几天的无水无食。小骆驼又问：为什么我们的脚掌那么厚?骆驼妈妈说：那可以让我们的身子不至于陷在沙子里，便于长途跋涉啊。小骆驼高兴坏了：哗，原来我们这么有用啊!可是妈妈，为什么我们还在动物园里，不去沙漠远足呢?
有位妇人去超市闲逛，见超市里买特价的大米，无人问津。她走过去瞧了瞧，米确实很便宜，但很碎，颜色也不好，像是陈米，她摇摇头边走边说，这米一定不好吃。
转了一圈之后，她发现特价大米那块排了一条长长的队，她忍不住问排队的人：“米好吗?”
排队的人回答说：“不知道，不过这么多人排着，价钱又便宜，估计米一定好。”
妇人思考了一下，走到队伍最后。等轮到她的时候，米缸里的大米已经所剩不多，比她先前看见的还碎，可她却迫不及待的说：“这些我包了了。”
饭厅内，一个异常谦恭的人胆怯地碰了碰另一个顾客，那人正在穿一件大衣。
“对不起，请问您是不是皮埃尔先生?”
“不，我不是。”那人回答。
“啊，”他舒了一口气，“那我没弄错，我就是他，您穿了他的大衣。”
【大道理】要做到理直气壮，并不是件容易的事情。理直的人，往往低声下气;而理歪的人，却是气壮如牛。
——睡前小故事幽默(5)份
有一年冬天，天气寒冷。阿凡提与几位朋友打赌说，他能在这冰天雪地里，在野外过上一夜而不被冻死。
“阿凡提，如果你真能这样，我们将输给你两枚金币。”朋友们说道。“一言为定！”阿凡提说。当晚，阿凡提带上一本书和蜡烛，到野外度过了一个对他来说是最寒冷的夜晚。
天亮后，阿凡提哈着气、搓着手跑回村里向朋友们索要打赌钱。朋友惊诧地问他：“阿凡提，难道你没有用任何取暖的东西吗？”
“没有哇！”阿凡提耸耸肩膀说。
“连一支蜡烛也没点吗？”朋友们又问。
“我是点了一支蜡烛，可我是用它来照明看书的！”阿凡提说。
“蜡烛不仅可以照明，它也有热度，你肯定用它取暖了，这样不能算你赢。”朋友们耍赖道。
阿凡提没有争辩，默默地走了。过了一个月，阿凡提请这几位朋友到家吃饭。可朋友们坐在客厅里等了数小时，肚子饿得咕噜噜直叫，阿凡提还是不端饭来招待。朋友们等得不耐烦了，出去想看个究竟。他们拥进厨房，发现阿凡提架了一口大锅，锅底下点着一支蜡烛正烧着，锅里一点热气都不冒。“阿凡提，用蜡烛能做熟饭吗？”朋友们取笑他说。
“你们说蜡烛有热度，我从一大早就用蜡烛的热度烧饭，可到现在都做不熟，我也感到非常奇怪。”阿凡提回答道。
一头大象正在丛林中的水潭里洗澡，一只小老鼠跑过来，坚持要让大象从水潭里出来。
“不行。”大象说。
“我要你立刻就出来。”小老鼠说。
“为什么？”
“只有等你出来后，我才会告诉你原因。”
“那我还是不出去。”
可是，它最终晃着庞大的身躯走出了水潭，站在小老鼠面前，问：“快说吧，你为什么要我走出水潭？”
“我想看看你是不是偷穿了我的泳裤。”小老鼠回答道。
尼克和他爸爸一起去探望祖母。火车上，尼克时时把脑袋伸出窗外。爸爸说：“尼克，安静些！别把脑袋伸出窗外！”但尼克仍然把脑袋伸出去。
于是，爸爸很快地拿掉了尼克的帽子，把它藏在身后，说：“看，帽子被风吹掉了。”尼克害怕了。他哭了，想要回帽子。
爸爸说：“嗨，吹声口哨，你的帽子或许就会回来的。”尼克凑到车窗口，吹起了口哨。
他爸爸很快地把帽子放在尼克的头上。“哦，真是奇迹！”尼克笑了。
他很高兴，飞快地拿掉了爸爸的帽子丢出窗外。
“现在，该轮到你吹口哨了，爸爸！”他快活地说。
大胆与胆大在小区里散步。
有一只猫从大胆身边跑过。
大胆说：“我最勇敢，不怕猫。”
胆大说：“我更勇敢。有一次，一只狗朝我冲过来，我也不怕。”
大胆说：“那算什么！我见过一个怪兽，它眼睛里喷火，我还和它握手呢。”
“不算什么！不算什么！”胆大迫不及待的说：“上次有个鬼，鼻子对我喷水……”
当！当！两声响从旁边传来。
“见鬼！”有人大叫。
大胆和胆大赶紧拥抱在一起。
一个小黑影从大胆和胆大腿便溜过。
大胆和胆大四条腿儿碰到一起抖起来。
这时刚才那只猫冲了过来，大胆和胆大定了定神，原来是猫在捉老鼠，打翻了花瓶。
大胆和胆大互相看着都笑了，说：“原来我们都会害怕。”
小刺猬出生在一个蓝色的大房子里。房子建在水边，安全又舒适。小刺猬住在蓝房子里，在妈妈的陪伴下，每天在柳条织成的摇篮里睡觉，或是坐在温暖的炉火前，等着爸爸带着食物回家。
当小刺猬学会走路时，爸爸正要出门，他跟在爸爸后面，要一起出去。
妈妈把小刺猬抱回床上，对他说：“外面很危险，你不要跑出去，就呆在房子里。”
“那爸爸不会遇到危险吗？”小刺猬疑惑地问。
“爸爸是大人，你还小，等你长大了才能保护好自己。”
小刺猬似懂非懂地点点头。
一天清晨，小刺猬被几声尖叫叫醒。他听出那是爸妈的声音，连忙跑到窗户边，站在凳子上观望。
眼前的景象吓坏了他。一只红色的狐狸正绕着蓝房子走来走去，而爸妈都蜷缩在地，一动也不动。
红狐狸发现了房子里的小刺猬，把前爪伸过来抓它，吓得小刺猬从椅子上跌下来。还好，窗户很小，红狐狸的手伸不进来。
“你爸妈已经是我的盘中餐了，你还不乖乖地出来？”红狐狸说。
小刺猬以为爸妈都死了，再也没人陪他玩，也没人喂它食物了。他难过地哭了起来。
红狐狸用力踹门，又对着窗户拳打脚踢。好在蓝房子很结实，毫无损伤。
“你再不出来，我就灌水进去，看你怕不怕！”红狐狸威胁说。
小刺猬害怕极了，缩在墙角一动也不动。过了一会，红狐狸果然提了一桶水，从窗户倒进来。
“再不出来你就要被淹死了！”红狐狸大声说。其实他并不想淹死小刺猬，这样他还是吃不到小刺猬。
小刺猬依旧不敢说话。这时他发现水蔓延到整个房间，然后都流向爸妈的床底下，水位并没上升。小刺猬钻到床底，发现里面有一条地道。他毫不犹豫地钻了进去。
红狐狸倒了一桶水就停了下来，他偷偷绕到蓝房子没窗户的一面，假装已经离开。
小刺猬在阴暗的地道里钻啊钻，最后从一堆稻草中探出脑袋，打探四周的环境。这是他第一次离开蓝房子，一时忘记了恐惧和痛苦。
“外面好漂亮啊。”小刺猬忍不住感叹。
忽然，一只母浣熊从树上跳下来，趴在小刺猬面前，吓得他四肢发软。
“别害怕，我不会吃你的。”母浣熊的声音很温柔，让小刺猬想起自己的妈妈，他的眼泪又不争气地流了下来。
“你有什么伤心事吗？说出来，兴许我可以帮你。”
“我爸妈被一直狐狸咬死了，它还要吃我。”小刺猬哭的更伤心了，他把刚才发生的事都讲了出来。
“你爸妈可能没死，并且，我可以帮你把狐狸赶走。”母浣熊说，“只不过，你也要帮我一个小忙。”
——少儿英语小故事优选【五】份
"I had another bad dream," she told her fiancé. "It was about you again. You and your ex-girlfriend were kissing. I yelled at you to stop it. You looked right at me, and then you laughed at me! She laughed, too. Then you both went back to kissing. I tried not to watch, but when I covered my eyes, something pulled my hands away. I tried to leave, but my feet were glued to the ground. Finally, I woke up. Of course, it was very difficult to get back to sleep.
"I had to drive home from Las Vegas this morning. It's a wonder I didn't crash 50 times. Instead of seeing traffic in front of me, all I saw was you and her. I can't take any more dreams like this. We're going to have to break up. We can be friends, but just friends. That way, I won't be jealous anymore, and I won't have these bad dreams anymore."
"Why didn't you call me up and tell me about your dream?" he asked. "They say that the more you talk about bad dreams, the sooner you'll stop having them."
She disagreed. She thought that the only solution was to break up and be just friends. She loved him, but these dreams had become so frequent that she was actually afraid to go to sleep. She was losing weight and having stomachaches from the stress.
He didn't know what to do. He wanted her to have pleasant dreams. He wanted her to have a life without stress. He wanted her to be his wife. This was it, she repeated; if she had just one more bad dream, they were through. He squeezed her hand, but said nothing.
The Miser守财奴
A MISER sold all that he had and bought a lump of gold, which he buried in a hole in the ground by the side of an old wall and went to look at daily. One of his workmen observed his frequent visits to the spot and decided to watch his movements. He soon discovered the secret of the hidden treasure, and digging down, came to the lump of gold, and stole it. The Miser, on his next visit, found the hole empty and began to tear his hair and to make loud lamentations. A neighbor, seeing him overcome with grief and learning the cause, said, "Pray do not grieve so; but go and take a stone, and place it in the hole, and fancy that the gold is still lying there. It will do you quite the same service; for when the gold was there, you had it not, as you did not make the slightest use of it."
有个守财奴变卖了他所有的家产，换回了金块，并秘密地埋在一个地方。他每天走去看 看他的.宝藏。有个在附*放羊的牧人留心观察，知道了真情，趁他走后，挖出金块拿走了。 守财奴再来时，发现洞中的金块没有了，便捶胸痛哭。有个人见他如此悲痛，问明原因后， 说道：“喂，朋友，别再难过了，那块金子虽是你买来的，但并不是你真正拥有的。去拿一 块石头来，代替金块放在洞里，只要你心里想着那是块金子，你就会很高兴。这样与你拥有 真正的金块效果没什么不同。依我之见，你拥有那金块时，也从没用过。”
这故事说明，一切财物如不使用等于没有。
铁匠与小狗The Blacksmith And Dog
Those who will not work deserve to starve.
A Blacksmith had a little Dog, which used to sleep when his master was at work, but was very wide awake indeed when it was time for meals. One day his master pretended to be disgusted at this, xiaogushi8.com and then he had thrown him a bone as usual, he said, “What on earth is the good of a lazy cur like you?” When I am hammering away at my anvil, you just curl up and go to sleep: but no sooner do I stop for a mouthful of food than you wake up and wag your tail to be fed.
铁匠与小狗
不卖力工作的人理应挨饿。
铁匠家有一条小狗，小狗常常在主人打铁时睡觉，但是一到了吃饭时间，便异常清醒起来。有一天，铁匠假装对此很生气，一边像往常一样扔给小狗一块骨头，一边说：“地球上还有像你一样懒惰的坏蛋吗?”你这家伙，总是在我卖力工作时，蜷缩起来睡觉，可是，只要我一停下来吃点东西，你就清醒地摇着尾巴过来讨饭吃。“
有一次，一座大山发生了异动。
Loud groans and noises were heard, and crowds of people came from all parts to see what was the matter. xiaogushi8.com While they were assembled in anxious expectation of some terrible calamity, out came a Mouse.
人们都听到了很大的.**和喧嚷的声音，于是人群从各处涌来，想看个究竟。他们焦虑地聚集在一起，以为会有可怕的灾难发生，这时跑出来一只老鼠。
Don’t make much ado about nothing.
不要小题大做。
A crow felt very thirsty. He looked for water everywhere. Finally, he found a pitcher.
But there was not a lot of water in the pitcher. His beak could not reach it. He tried again and again, but still could not touch the water.
When he was about to give up, an idea came to him. He took a pebble and dropped it into the pitcher. Then he took another and dropped it in.
Gradually, the water rose, and the crow was able to drink the water.
口渴的乌鸦
●一只乌鸦口渴了，到处找水喝。终于，他找到了一个大水罐。
●然而，水罐里面的`水并不多，他的尖嘴够不到水面，他试了一次又一次，都没有成功。
●就在他想放弃的时候，他突然想到一个主意。乌鸦叼来了一块小石子投到水罐里，接着又叼了一块又一块石头放进去。
●渐渐地，水面升高了。乌鸦高兴地喝到了水。
寓意: 有些东西虽然看起来微不足道，但如果积少成多，便会带来很大变化。
